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Showing posts from May, 2014

Slower Than A Herd of Turtles in Peanut Butter

My heart was pounding in my chest loud enough to drown out jackhammers and construction workers swear words on a balmy summer's day.My insecurities were screaming to stop, to work out inside, to not subject my neighbors and friends to my shaking fat, shotty sprints and slow steps.My blood was rushing, whooshing, blushing my cheeks and thighs, calling attention to my easy exertion.My breath came out in loud jagged rushes desperately exhaling and greedily inhaling any oxygen in my neighborhood.My ill-arched sneakers hit the gravel road with a much softer thud, thud, thud then I expected. I was certain that every move I made would shake the world, shake the ground, bring all the neighbors attention to me but no, the only thing I was shaking and breaking was my old lifestyle by committing to a new one.My legs were begging my brain to stop but my heart chanted encouragement to my legs to keep going.I was rarely in the moment, attuned to the sounds of my body, of nature , the playing ki…

I Will Not Say Happy Memorial Day

I will not say "Happy Memorial" day to those who have served or in honor of those who have gave their lives.I will not listen to twangy, patriotic music today.I will not have a barbecue and stand aimlessly around with friends and family and list all of the things we should do for those who have served.If you want to, that is your choice, your liberty, your freedom to exercise.It is also my choice not to say those ill-fitted words. I am a pacifist.I believe in living in peace and harmony and choosing not to fight.The whole turning the cheek so my enemy can slap the other one? That's me.Once again, I refuse to say "Happy Memorial" day.It sits weirdly on the tongue. It is bringing a misguided happy to where we should be reverent and somber.It is congratulating someone for going through hell with a weak wordly compense.No.I will say Thank You.Thank you to our troops past and present. Our family.Our friends.Our neighbors, our parents, our children.Our soldiers. Our …

Sunday Confessions: Friendship

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Time for Sunday Confessions hosted  by Hot Ash over at More Than Cheese And Beer. Todays theme is friendship.I am not sure I know how to be a friend.I used to think I did.I would buy things for people, do what they wanted, kept my mouth shut, drank myself into oblivion attempting to convince myself I was having a blast and so much more that was unhealthy.Over the years I've realized that I was the type of friend-type of person- that gave until I was a blurry memory. What that person needed, wanted, desired-I became. Not always in a bad way but when it eroded who I was for who someone wanted me to be that was always bad.I felt like a chameleon. Whatever the relationship called for-a therapist, an adventurer, a poet-I became was needed.Am I normally a good listener? 
-Undoubtedly.Am I a risk taker?
-Oh definitely, only recently did I become more cautious.Am I a poet?
-Only with every breath I take.So what's the big deal if I was only these things to these friends?Because I am so m…

Operation K.N.O.C.K.E.D. U.P. Week 2

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Progress? After one week?I am going to go with a yes for the simple fact I haven't given up.

Still moving and shaking.
Normally by now, my enthusiasm would have waned and I would have abandoned my lifestyle changes because of some lame excuse.Not this time.I'm refusing to give up on myself. Not this early in the game.So, complain session first:
I haven't been able to start my birth control yet.My gynecologist wanted me to start my birth control the first Sunday after I finish my current cycle.It should be ending soon.This cycle started May 6th. It is now the 22nd as I write this.Please send your vibes, happy thoughts, prayers-whatever you use to channel your positivity towards my rageful uterus so I can hopefully get off it soon.
Celebrate session-

Dance party time: I am down 2 pounds since last week
!Seriously let's dance it out! We'll burn some more calories that way  ;-)I only have 1.7 pounds to lose to make my short term goal of losing 27 pounds so far this year.T…

Sunday Confessions: Pet Peeves

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Raindrops on roses and whiskers on
kittens-Bright copper kettles with warm woolen mittens-Brown paper packages tied up with strings- these are a few of my favorite things!Oh wait, this is about pet peeves not favorite things.Right.Let's get at it.I'm pretty laid back.Children running around amuck screeching, hyped up on all that pent up energy does not faze me that much. Kids will do that stuff it's how they roll.When someone blurts out the end of a book or show I'm trying to finish? I'm going to find out anyway. I'm already dedicated, it's not ruined for me it ain't no big thing.Bad grammar? I am a reformed grammar nazi. I do not pick, edit, suggest anything unless specifically asked to do so. How rude is it to tear apart someones words, their feelings because of the incorrect use of "your". It is just going to drive them away from you. If you can get the jist take it and don't be a prick.Yippy pups? Nah. Normally the people complaining ab…

Sweet Caroline

She created me.Consoled me and cajoled me.In my younger days, she listened and advised knowing I would not take it to heart.I know better now.Now I hang on to every word. Wondering and worrying that life will take her away too soon.She laughs and cries about everything ugly and beautiful in the world.She has no shame, no guilt, holds no pretenses and laughs loudly.And encourages others to do the same.Especially me, her sometimes too serious daughter.She has shown me love thrives everywhere even if people try to discourage it, that's why we need to support it in all its forms.She has told me there is right and there is wrong but only I know what is right or wrong for me.She has caused my tears and then wiped them away. She has showed me the value of being silly in a scary scarred world.She has instilled in me we are only as good as the words we keep.She has fought with me flawlessly and fiercely but always for me.My mother has taught me a lot.She is loud and curious and doesn'…

Operation K.N.O.C.K.E.D. U.P. Week One: Part 2

Polycsystic Ovarian Syndrome.

That is the fairly common hormonal disorder that is wreacking havoc on my body that co-pays, appointments, lab-work(LOTS OF LABWORK), pap-smears, pelvic ultrasounds and a wonderful ob/gyn has helped discover.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is called that due to the look of the ovaries that most women with the disorder have which is enlarged ovaries with small cysts along the outer edge of the ovary.

However, not every person who has PCOS has cysts on their ovaries. I do not have cysts on my ovaries.

I do however, have the other symptoms.

Prolonged menstrual cycles. Heavy with clots, painful, long (lasting up to three weeks for me) menstrual cycles. The joy with these (please tell me you can feel the sarcasm saturating that line) is that they are only a week apart. So not only do they last a long time but I do not get a 28 day break in between, I typically only get 5-7 days in between the cycles. They are so heavy that I have to use both a tampon and…

Operation K.N.O.C.K.E.D. U.P. Week One: Part One

In my blog on Sunday, HERE I briefly touched on my desire to become a mother.

I debated going that way with my blog. I was going to write about my mother, about what an crazy journey it must have been for her to be a single parent and disabled and trying to make ends meet. To make a life for us. Make memories. Help form and mold me into the woman I am today.

But that is her story to tell.

If I am going to stay true to my blog, my story, I need to write from my perspective and choose to be brave. To write about the things that I want to talk about but sometimes cannot find the words.

I did not know if I was ready to share my story though, for many reasons.

I felt nervous and anxious. Correction, I feel nervous and anxious.

When we expose what we truly want, what we truly desire, it makes us most vulnerable.

Declaring what sets your heart alight with the fire of your soul stands you emotionally naked in front of your friends, your readers, your family.

Allowing them to be part o…

Sunday Confessions: Motherhood

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Motherhood.It is a club I desperately want to join but my body refuses to give me entrance.Which is fine.Read that 'fine' only how a woman can say it with open ended pain and confusion.We have been together 13 years this August. Married 8 years this August.We thought for sure we'd have two or three children running around by now. But that is simply not the case.Only recently, very recently, this past Thursday recent, did I get some answers and feel like I am headed in the right direction by a dedicated gynecologist who has made me "her mission" to become a mother.We have hurtles and time crunches to contend with, but she believes she can help me. Help us.Help me avoid sobbing silently when another period comes.Help us give away the love that swells in our hearts when we see an adorable baby and happy parents pass us.Help us work past the pain when someone tells us we should "consider having children".Help us feel like we're not broken.That is a big …

Misunderstanding

Misconception.A mistaken thought or belief. Sometimes popularly perpetuated.A fallacy, falsehood, an error. Often something that gets twisted and misinterpreted.Misinterpretation.To explain incorrectly.To understand incorrectly.Often due to a misunderstanding.Misunderstanding.Not understanding fully.Not comprehending correctly.A mistake.Mainly due to miscommunication.So let's clear that up.Let us all say what we mean and mean what we say.Let our actions be concordant with our words.Let us believe someone is who they are the first time they show themsleves to us.Let us not create an expectation. Do not choose the ending when we can barely make out a muddled middle and are lost in the beginning.Let us ask questions and not fear looking like a fool. The only real fool is the one who does not thirst for knowledge.Let us not assume, exaggerate, fill in the blank or guess. It takes away from the power of our word and the reality of the situation.Let not emotions, manipulations, opinions…

Why I Killed Kindness Friday

If you happen to remember at the beginning of this blogging adventure, I said I was going to alternate my Friday posts with "Featurette Fridays" and "Kindness Fridays".Featurette Friday is a blog that is an interview that focuses on a person who exemplifies kindness with their actions. Whereas Kindness Friday was a blog that ran the alternate Friday of Featurette Friday and showcased random acts of kindness.I've kept up with the interviews because I love meeting new people and reinforcing there are good people in the world.I've stopped with the Kindness Friday blog for multiple reasons.1. You don't tell people you washed your hands after you go to the bathroom right? Why would you? It's something you should do and no need to share it with everyone else.Kindness comes natural for a lot of us. We do it everyday, it is our default nature. We react with it when we see someone struggling or having a hard time.I still do random acts of kindness, because I…

Secret Subject Swap: May 9th, 2014

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Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap.
This week, 15 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and
were assigned a secret subject to
interpret in their own style. Today we
are all simultaneously divulging our
topics and submitting our posts.Here are links to all the sites now
featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.
Sit back, grab a cup, and check them
all out. See you there:Baking In A Tornadohttp://www.BakingInATornado.
com The Momisodeshttp://themomisodes.comSomeone Else's Geniushttp://www.someoneelsesgenius.
comFBX Adventures (In Parenting)http://fbxadventures.blogspot.
comSpatulas On Paradehttp://spatulasonparade.
blogspot.com/Stacy Sews and Schoolshttp://stacysewsandschools.
blogspot.com/Confessions of a part time working momhttp://thethreegerbers.blogspot.com/?m=1Outmannedhttp://www.outmannedmommy.comEvil Joy Speakshttp://www.eviljoyspeaks.
wordpress.comImpoverished Veganhttp://www.impoverishedvegan.
comClimaxedhttp://climaxedtheblog.
blogspot.comThe Bergham's Life Chronic…

What If Wednesday: What If They Made A Movie About My Life?

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Today I am linking up with Hot Ash over at More Than Cheese And Beer for What If Wednesday?It is a great little writing exercise where we spend 5-10 minutes on a certain theme.Today's theme is "What if…they made my life into a movie"?It would be a mash up of all different genres.The beginning would be a montage of cute pictures of me walking and playing. Swirling in and out of the frame, showing me incrementally growing into a young woman.Some of the pictures would make it glaringly obvious that my mom was the one who raised me alone.Sometimes struggling but always surviving.But they also showcase happiness and love in our small family.Adolescence would be a cheesey after school special. Dramatic and obvious that I was going to fall into temptation and make choices that only lead to more complications.It would gradually switch from after school special to foreign film. Not because I traveled but because I found myself amongst places I never thought I would.And now this i…

What Not to Gift Me

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The art of gift giving is a tricky one.You either got the good  graceful gift-giving gene, or you're the person frantically wrapping peanut butter and a Hanson poster hoping the recipient will love your...uhh....eclectic taste.Not to toot my own horn (but toot, toot mother duckies) I love giving gifts and I'm pretty good at it.It is a great opportunity to show your loved ones you care and pay attention to their interests.However, when asked what I want for my birthday, I am always very literal. I don't like surprises.I will tell you books, with the title and author and where you can get them and directions to the store.I will tell you I want a donation to my favorite charity. And proceed to give you an already addressed envelope or a website.I will tell you that I want Neil DeGrasse Tyson in my bed-just to cuddle with and we can talk about humanity, politics, and of course astronomy.(^That's been on my list for a few years in a row.)I know it's the thought that cou…

Sunday Confessions: Cultivate

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l enjoy gardening.

Cultivating the earth. 

Creating beauty and helping life flourish.

I would enter 4-H contests but l would tire of their ribbons and judgement ceremonies for l have found my own self awarded prizes that l strive towards.

 l like working hard, with grimy nails and sweat stained shorts as my participationmedals.

Feeling the comfortable strain in my muscles that l have not used in a while- from kneeling, bending, and deweeding- is my third place.

Watching tiny seeds grow into hearty tomatoes is amazing. Seeing cucumbers withering away due to neglect is crushing. Watching life flourish or fail is my second place.

Fending off jack ass rabbitts, learning new gardening tactics, farmers tans, and learning to be real with nature is for me.

lt's not about being gentle with the earth all the time, sometimes you have to fight hard-against the animals, against careless neighborhood kids, against the elements, against yourself when you want to be lazy.

Mother Nature calls you out. Ma…

In My Purse

Carefully gutted and empty, the camouflage bedazzled bag laid limply on its side.Its contents were strewn about on the kitchen table.The bag had been weighing down her shoulder for weeks now. She could feel the strain when she headed out the door and slung the bag over her shoulder.When she sat it down, she could feel the immediate relief in her body.She decided now was the time to clean out her purse. On the table were various items, some necessary others confusing.She has made no progress.A mess lies in front of her.She gazes over the field mismatched items.Empty make up compacts, a poorly stocked first aid kit that had been used too many times, buttons that she wasn't sure if they belonged to a item of clothing or if she picked them up because they were cute.Empty gum wrappers and lots of heavy change.She needed none of this to be carried around with her.Receipts only totaled to three. These were the reminders of the infrequent times she stopped at the  pricey coffee shoppe at …

Love the Ones that Hate Us

What do you do when you are faced with someone who is so unbelievably frustrating?When they shred your last nerve, when their name is synonymous with stress to you?When they make you want to drink. Anything and everything. Even rubbing alcohol.When they make you want to eat. Even that cheeto that is been chilling under the couch that you've neglected but we all know is there.They make you want to be your worst self.That reflection we sometimes see in the mirror on a bad day. That part of our self that we tuck away from civilized society. The ugly side. The you that holds all your anger, resentment and disappointment. The you that carries the weight of the world on it shoulders. The you that remembers ever y broken promise and mean word said. That you. What do you do when you encounter those people who only bring out the worst?Do you yell? Do you say hurtful things? Do you let your blood pressure soar through the roof?Or do you let them teach you a lesson?Let them help you. Those p…